How good are we at expressing disagreement, being humble, rebuking and the like? Let’s reflect together in this series.
Turning the corner of the store aisle, all the hurt they caused came flooding back. I froze. Should I say something? Acknowledge them? Or summon my ninja-level avoidance skills and disappear into the next aisle? One thing was certain – I didn’t want to talk. The pain was still too real.
Estrangement – from family, friends or church members – can be painful and isolating. As followers of Jesus it’s even more complicated. Aren’t we called to love everyone? Can we allow ourselves to be estranged?
Jesus’ words in the Sermon on the Mount are sobering. “Leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:24 ESV). Reconciliation seems to take priority – even over acts of worship.
But what if the other person doesn’t want reconciliation? What if the hurt runs deep? And what if contact isn’t safe?
If you’re wrestling with an estranged relationship, here are a few prayerful questions to consider.
What is my role?
When estrangement occurs our instinct may be to fix things quickly. It can feel urgent to restore the connection, but despite our best efforts sometimes the other person isn’t ready or willing to reconcile.
ILLUSTRATION: ADAPTED FROM VECTORIUM
Jesus calls us to take responsibility for our part. He doesn’t say, “Make sure the other person forgives you.” He tells us to take initiative, as far as it depends on us (Romans 12:18). Ask yourself, Have I done what’s within my control to pursue peace?
Reconciliation is not always in our control because it requires both parties to come to the table. Forgiveness, however, is something we can do on our own. It helps release us from bitterness and frees us from retaliation. Forgiveness is always part of our role even when reconciliation is not a possibility.
What are my motives?
Estrangement brings up a host of emotions – grief, confusion, abandonment, shame. These emotions aren’t wrong. In fact, they can be powerful clues to our deeper motives.
Am I avoiding this person out of fear or retaliation? Am I seeking reconciliation only because I want them to like me again? Or am I setting boundaries to protect my well-being?
Paul challenges us in Galatians 1:10, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (ESV). If your motives are guilt, fear or people pleasing, pause and bring that to Jesus. Let Him purify your motives and guide your steps.
What are my boundaries?
Sometimes estrangement is necessary. In the cases of emotional, physical or sexual abuse, it’s a must for safety’s sake.
Boundaries can ensure safety and healing. They’re not about punishing others, but about stewarding our own emotional and spiritual well-being. Healthy boundaries say, “This is what I’m choosing to do,” rather than, “This is what I need you to do.” Like a tree trust can be cut down in an instant and take a long time to grow back.
A common misstep we can make is equating trust with forgiveness. Just because we forgive someone does not mean we disregard unhealthy behaviour and trust them back into our lives. In fact, sometimes the most Christlike thing you can do is forgive from a distance.
How much of this relationship have I given to Jesus?
Have I surrendered parts of the relationship to Jesus? Or all of it? True surrender means placing the whole situation – past, present and future – in God’s hands. It means trusting that He sees, knows and works, even when we can’t.
If you’re navigating estrangement, remember – Jesus understands betrayal and broken relationships. Even when we feel alone, we can rest in the promise that Jesus always sees us and is always present in our darkest moments.
Estrangement doesn’t have to be permanent or total. It may simply mean reduced contact, mediated conversations or taking space for healing. It may just be a chapter. Let Jesus write the next one.
Andrew Glidden is a licensed counselling therapist - candidate with the College of Counselling Therapists of New Brunswick and a Certified Canadian Counsellor (ThrivingMindsClinic.ca/Andrew). Illustration: Adapted from Vectorium