How good are we at expressing disagreement, being humble, rebuking and the like? Let’s reflect together in this series.
It had been two decades since the big fight. He would have been content to keep avoiding all the regret, shame and conflict, but God was calling him back home – where the brother he’d fought with still lived.
The thought of a reunion filled him with fear. He prayed.
When he arrived in sight of his brother, the man directed his family to stay back. He went forward alone with every intention to fall on his knees in apology and submission. But his brother embraced him in love. It felt like a warm blanket on a bitterly cold day. And they wept.
In Genesis 33 the powerful account of Esau’s forgiveness – 20 years after Jacob stole his blessing and birthright – conveys the profound effects of conflict resolution.
Disagreements can be messy and uncomfortable, but we can work through them and arrive in a better place.
Imagine if you were to enter my kitchen where I’ve got pots, cups, lids and containers stacked across the counters. It’s a big precarious mess, but once I set everything in its place, the same kitchen can be clean, orderly and easier to move around in.
Psychologist Ed Tronick and pediatrician Claudia Gold Plantwrite, “Messiness holds the key to strong relationships” (in their book The Power of Discord, Little, Brown & Co., 2020). Tronick’s research suggests little conflicts that get repaired – for example, a caregiver maintaining an expressionless face while a baby attempts to interact – actually contribute to growth in the relationship and maturity in the child.
Such “ruptures and repairs” can teach children how to resolve bigger conflicts when they arise later in life.
Of course, that’s not to say we should try to see an upbuilding side to every relational stumble and conflict. As the Apostle Paul writes, “Avoid foolish and ignorant disputes, knowing that they generate strife” (2 Timothy 2:23, NKJV). We’re called to discern when we feel a tension building in our chest or hear ourselves thinking resentful thoughts – Is this worth fighting for? Or will it only generate strife?
A good discernment strategy is to look at the situation – rather than the other person – when determining whether you should bring up a problem (Fight Less, Love More by Laurie Puhn, Rodale, 2010). Could we address this together?
If our issue is worth fighting for, and we are in a relationship that is safe and trustworthy (preferably more than Jacob’s with Esau), how can we fight fair instead of just seeming critical?
Follow Jacob’s example of seeking God on the issue (Genesis 32:9–12).
Ask Him for protection from the other person’s anger and for your relationship with them to strengthen despite the disagreement.
Consider the other person’s perspective.
Perhaps there are even some points you can agree on.
Practise compassion by considering what else might be going on with the other person.
Though their being hurt does not make it alright to hurt you, imagining where they are coming from accelerates the resolution.
When you fight, “Value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests, but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3–4).
Self-centred fights may never end.
Claim responsibility rather than guilt for your actions.
Responsibility empowers and leads to action while guilt leads to negative thoughts, inaction or even defensiveness.
Seek resolution and reconnection.
As the Apostle Paul told the Philippian women Euodia and Syntyche, “Please, because you belong to the Lord, settle your disagreement” (Philippians 4:2, NLT).
When fighting is necessary and safe, fighting fairly can strengthen your relationship. It’s an opportunity to practise living in a way that honours God through upholding truth and seeking harmonious, yet honest living.
“May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus” (Romans 15:5, ESV).
Tim Plant is a marriage and family therapist (CACFT certified) in Fort St. John, B.C. Contact him via PsychologyToday.com. Illustration of couple: adapted from Autumnn