How good are we at expressing disagreement, being humble, rebuking and the like? Let’s reflect together in this series.
How often do you find yourself enslaved by your thoughts? For most of us it’s a regular challenge – a friend makes a negative comment about our outfit, our children, our receding hairline, it triggers a negative thought and we start to ruminate.
Ruminate comes from the Latin to “chew your cud.” And cud is partially digested food that returns to the mouth for further chewing. Gross, right? But also accurate. We become enslaved to a gross internal dialogue that never seems to end.
We can’t keep birds from flying over our heads, but we can keep them from nesting in our hair.
Therapists can offer various approaches to help. A good one is to reframe these thoughts and move toward a more positive and compassionate internal dialogue.
Be curious about thoughts
Humans have a negative bias. Out of self-protection our minds tend to be more attracted to the negative things in our path, rather than the positive. Complaint comes far easier than gratitude. The Apostle Paul understood this when he encouraged believers to think about things that are noble, pure, true and right (Philippians 4:8).
Therapists can offer various approaches to help. A good one is to reframe these thoughts and move toward a more positive and compassionate internal dialogue.
Learn to reframe
Handling our thoughts with curiosity means holding them loosely. A classic cartoon has a father and son stopped at a train crossing. The father says, “Great! Now we’re going to be late for the game.” The son says, “Awesome! We get to watch a train go by!” Perspective changes everything.
By reframing the thought a more positive emotion is presented and the day is saved. We may not be able to change our situation, but reframing our thoughts about it can make all the difference.
When faced with a negative thought, we can ask ourselves: Is this a thought or a fact? How likely is this to occur? What are the other possible outcomes? What would I say to a friend? Am I making other assumptions? Will this matter in six months? What is the evidence for and against this thought?
Place your thoughts on trial
One of my favourite movies is A Few Good Men. Who can forget that climactic courtroom scene where Tom Cruise’s character hammers Jack Nicholson’s character on the witness stand exclaiming, “I want the truth!”
As Christians we place a high premium on truth. Yes, some negative thoughts can lead us to needed correction. Yes, difficult thoughts of self can lead us into deeper self-awareness. But more often our negative thoughts, and unkind self-talk, lead us away from truth and toward a distorted picture of ourself or our situation.
What if we were to put these thoughts on trial? Would there be enough evidence to support them? Likely not. What if we compared our self-deprecating inner dialogue to the proclamation that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14), and that God “rejoices over [us] with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17)?
Would that negative self-criticism hold up against God’s opinion of us? Definitely not. By placing these negative thoughts on trial, we make space for a different internal conversation – one that seeks a more positive perspective, centred in truth, that allows for self-forgiveness, compassion and giving others the benefit of the doubt.
Some therapists suggest using a thought journal to help us acknowledge unwanted thoughts and put them on trial.
Trying out such tools to break unwanted rumination can help us master our inner world. Usually they work best in collaboration with a regulated faith-based therapist.
Paul Turner of Barrie, Ont., is a registered psychotherapist (CRPO) and certified counsellor (CCPA) with 23 years of pastoral experience (PaulTurnerCounselling.ca).