How good are we at expressing disagreement, saying sorry, being humble, rebuking and the like? Let’s reflect together in this series.
In my younger years I changed my style and look many times, including the cut and colour of my hair, based on my friends. I moved around quite a bit, so I had a lot of experiences of starting over. When I met people I wanted to be friends with – or felt my friends were cooler than me – I would gradually change my style to be more like theirs.
All those years left me with little knowledge of my own identity and preferences. Because of that I didn’t have healthy boundaries in my friendships.
We are who we are not because we are separate from the others who are next to us, but because we are both separate and connected, both distinct and related; the boundaries that mark our identities are both barriers and bridges.” –Miroslav Volf
Boundaries identify where one person ends and the other begins. Our understanding of who we are develops as we learn the similarities we share with others and the ways we’re different.
Without a healthy view of who we are, it’s impossible to build a healthy relationship. Healthy boundaries are a direct result of healthy identity just as poor boundaries are the direct result of a poor sense of identity. The most effective way to set healthy boundaries is to know our identity, get comfortable with it and live it out with confidence.
Knowing our identity
Boundaries are naturally created as we identify and communicate what is important to us. A good place to start is making lists of favourite things, memories and activities, things we dislike, and maybe things we did only because someone else wanted to or because we wanted to impress them.
The more of this information we can put together, the clearer understanding we’ll have of our God-given individual identity. As we itemize what makes us feel healthiest, we can aim to include such things in our routines.
ILLUSTRATION: AUTUMN
Getting comfortable
Learning how to communicate our identity means learning how to be comfortable being ourselves with others. This is a scary thing to do, especially when we believe no one will accept us or love us just as we are. The more we experience others accepting our identity, the more we’re able to accept our own.
This starts with small opportunities to state your preferences like talking about favourite food, music or activities. Over time we can work up to sharing about our struggles and other personal things. We can slowly expand from people we’re comfortable with to being ourselves even around strangers.
Living it out
When we know who we are and what’s needed to live as the healthiest version of ourselves, we can make choices based on that information. Boundaries are naturally enforced or ignored based on what we believe about ourselves and what we believe about others.
When we become confident living out our identity, we teach the people around us who we are and how to treat us. We stop comparing ourselves to others because we understand we’re different and are okay with that.
As we learn to value the things about ourselves that are different from other people, we also learn to value differences in others. A healthy relationship is built from two people knowing their own identities, enjoying the connections they have, and appreciating the differences that make each of them unique.
When we’re sensing we need healthier boundaries, we can start by reflecting on how well we know ourselves. If we clarify what we need to be the healthiest version of ourselves and accept ourselves for who we are, we will be able to make choices based on that and create healthier boundaries along the way.
Nadine Crain (NadineCrain.com) is a Canadian certified counsellor in Edmonton who works with individuals, couples and families in-person, online and on the trail (walk and talk therapy). Read more in this series at FaithToday.ca/FellowshipSkills.