How good are we at forgiving, rebuking, showing care and the like? Let’s reflect together in this series.
Do you ever get frustrated with someone who talks about wanting to change, but doesn’t take action?
Maybe they’re struggling with ambivalence. Having mixed feelings is a common human behaviour we describe with phrases like Six of one and half a dozen of the other. Or Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or Sitting on the fence. Contradictory feelings can make us feel unable to make a decision or move forward.
In Romans 7:15 we see Paul’s experience of ambivalence. “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it.” Paul wrestles with both his sinful nature and his desire to obey God.
We also see Jesus wrestle with mixed feelings. In Matthew 26:39 He says, “My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.” Here He expresses His feelings of wanting to avoid the suffering of the cross alongside His desire to surrender and be obedient to His Father’s will.
Understanding ambivalence can help us in relationships. Acknowledging our mixed feelings can be profoundly freeing. Mixed feelings left unacknowledged can still profoundly impact us, often for the worse.
Perhaps we love a person and feel loved by them, but at the same time we’re hurt and angry. Ignoring the hurt will still impact how we relate.
Perhaps we trust God’s plan in our lives, and at the same time have doubts about why life is challenging and hard. Ignoring the doubt can hinder our spiritual intimacy.
When we’re feeling something but not recognizing it, it tends to sneak out anyway. People can sense we aren’t being honest with ourselves or them.
As Christians we sometimes put pressure on ourselves to focus on positive feelings like faith, love or joy while we dismiss doubt, anger or despair. Understanding that it’s normal to feel both positive and negative feelings – at the same time – can free us to live more authentically and in alignment with our values.
Jesus in Gethsemane is a great example. It wasn’t sinful for Him to acknowledge He would prefer to avoid the suffering. These were legitimate and profound feelings. In expressing them He was able to align with His value of obeying His Father. His wanting to avoid suffering was a real feeling, but didn’t negate His faith and obedience. As we acknowledge our own ambivalence, it can help us live in alignment with our values without denying hard things.
Being aware of ambivalence can also help us as we relate with others. Perhaps we have a church friend who often talks about wanting a more intimate spiritual life, but then seems unable to move forward. Listening and giving space for mixed feelings, especially those that aren’t deemed positive, can be a wonderful gift you can give another person.
How can you give space? First, you can encourage someone to become aware of their own mixed feelings. Do this by being an example in your own life – acknowledging both sides of how you might be feeling.
Second, you can encourage acknowledgement of mixed feelings by asking good questions. In our example we might say, “It’s normal to feel both faith and doubt at the same time. What are some of the aspects where you might be feeling a bit of doubt or fear?”
Third, you can give space for someone to sort through mixed feelings and figure out what they value most. This can often help them become unstuck. Asking questions, listening well (without interrupting to express judgments) and paraphrasing what they are sharing can help.
Having mixed feelings is normal as Jesus demonstrates in Gethsemane. Acknowledging contradictory feelings can be profoundly helpful for us and our relationships. Identifying conflicting feelings enables us to accept them and choose action based on what we value most.
Margaret Clarke of Airdrie, Alta., is the counselling department head and an assistant professor of marriage and family therapy at Briercrest Seminary. As a therapist at Evoke Counselling Services (EvokeCounselling.ca), she specializes in working with clergy and clergy families. Discover the whole series at FaithToday.ca/FellowshipSkills.